You know, the funny thing about writing Reflection articles is that everything you put on paper—or in this case, on a computer screen—is really nothing more than a mirror of something you’ve lived through.
A child raised in chaos becomes an adult who lives in chaos.
I walked on egg shells for 4 years. It wasn't if she was going to explode in rage, it was when, and I never knew. I was held hostage by cycle of rage and the cycle of calm. This is the cycle of abuse.
Yes this is familiar. Walking on eggshells, with impending rage around every corner. The need to control every moment, every thought in every head. Eventually there was a diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. But that took a while because his ability to break down and appear the victim made the first psychologist demand angrily, "What really happened?! He wouldn't get himself into this state over nothing, would he?!"
The sad part about this is, that they don't even know they have a problem (most times). Instead, it's always the other person who's at fault and they are the victim. It would be terrible to have this kind of mental health issue and not even realize you have it.
I definitely know this. My first marriage was like this. After we split, he really wanted to fight about everything regarding our child. I didn't. We split early so there wasn't a lot to separate, no house or investments. Just the kid
I got a court order for child support with a separation agreement that have him generous access, two sleep overs a week but added a few sentences about the child having ultimate authority and say over if they would spend time with Dad.
The judge questioned me on it and I said, I don't want to be in a position where the child has a birthday party or other social invitation that might fall on his Dad's day and he can't go because of custody. I want him to choose when he's ready and make his own decisions.
The judge agreed even though he did say it was highly unusual.
What I really was worried about was the angry outbursts and volatile behavior. I anticipated eventually the child would want to stay with me. That's what happened, in his teen years and because of that agreement being carried forward into the divorce, there was no debate.
I stayed in contact and am still in contact with my child's parent. We are friendish. It took concentrated effort. Ultimately, Dad decided it was worth it to compromise with me because I care for his child very well.
You described my ex and living with my ex.
A child raised in chaos becomes an adult who lives in chaos.
I walked on egg shells for 4 years. It wasn't if she was going to explode in rage, it was when, and I never knew. I was held hostage by cycle of rage and the cycle of calm. This is the cycle of abuse.
Your comment is a mirror of what most of us go through when an alienator "chooses" us as their partner and we fall for them.
Yes this is familiar. Walking on eggshells, with impending rage around every corner. The need to control every moment, every thought in every head. Eventually there was a diagnosis: Borderline Personality Disorder. But that took a while because his ability to break down and appear the victim made the first psychologist demand angrily, "What really happened?! He wouldn't get himself into this state over nothing, would he?!"
Yes, he would. On a regular basis.
The sad part about this is, that they don't even know they have a problem (most times). Instead, it's always the other person who's at fault and they are the victim. It would be terrible to have this kind of mental health issue and not even realize you have it.
I definitely know this. My first marriage was like this. After we split, he really wanted to fight about everything regarding our child. I didn't. We split early so there wasn't a lot to separate, no house or investments. Just the kid
I got a court order for child support with a separation agreement that have him generous access, two sleep overs a week but added a few sentences about the child having ultimate authority and say over if they would spend time with Dad.
The judge questioned me on it and I said, I don't want to be in a position where the child has a birthday party or other social invitation that might fall on his Dad's day and he can't go because of custody. I want him to choose when he's ready and make his own decisions.
The judge agreed even though he did say it was highly unusual.
What I really was worried about was the angry outbursts and volatile behavior. I anticipated eventually the child would want to stay with me. That's what happened, in his teen years and because of that agreement being carried forward into the divorce, there was no debate.
I stayed in contact and am still in contact with my child's parent. We are friendish. It took concentrated effort. Ultimately, Dad decided it was worth it to compromise with me because I care for his child very well.