Breaking the Cycle
Not every wound leaves a bruise.
Some forms of abuse are obvious. Others are easy to name. The rest are quiet and subtle. They tend to creep into the mind over time—quietly whispered through our daily routines, reinforced by silence, and pose themselves as "normal." Parental alienation is one of those.
When a child grows up repeatedly hearing that one parent doesn't love them anymore—or worse, is dangerous, or unworthy… when they're forced to choose sides, or question their own memories—that's nothing short of child abuse. But it's not the kind of abuse that most people will immediately recognize. And for the child who's caught in the middle of this, it doesn't always feel like it's abuse. Rather, it feels like they're showing loyalty. It feels like a type of protection. In many instances, it can even feel like love… until later on, when the damage is already done.
This is how cycles of abuse usually begin.
Let's face it, we've all seen it—more times than I wish we had. A child grows up believing that cutting people out of their lives, rewriting history, and controlling relationships are just the normal way of how families work. And unless that child suddenly wakes up and sees it for what it really is, many times, they're likely to repeat the same patterns within their own future families. Maybe they'll be the ones who alienate the other parent. Perhaps they'll erase the grandparents. Possibly, they'll even recreate that all-too-familiar atmosphere of guilt, fear, and emotional control without even realizing they're doing it. And in the process, another generation advances this abuse.
But here's the part we have to believe in.
Not every child will repeat the cycle. Some will actually break it before it begins. Much like a child who witnesses physical or emotional abuse within their home while growing up, they don't all go on to hurt others. Some will find the strength to just say, "No. Not in my house. Never in my life." They actually see the dysfunction for what it really is. They recognize the manipulation and the loss—and decide it ends with them. They may not know how to heal the past, but they will fight to protect their future.
Those are the ones I have to look at and admire. They're the cycle-breakers. They're the ones who crawl out from under years of lies and deceit and choose love over blind loyalty. They're the ones who set firm boundaries and restore lost connections. They're the ones who teach their children that family isn't about control, that love isn't dependent upon conditions, and that truth really does matter in the end—even when it hurts.
Those who were raised within the world of alienation deserve their due recognition. Many of them are still processing what happened; some are just now navigating, and others are slowly starting to unravel it. A few have even drawn a line in the sand and refuse to pass the abuse forward. Because of that choice, another child will finally know an unbroken love, and that choice does change everything.
David Shubert
Thanx again David. I appreciate your writings very much tho my perspective is from a mother and a grandmother with a daughter who chose estrangemnt at 34 yrs of age after Her 10 yrs of marriage and living 2000 miles away, and very infrequent, very short rather uncomfortable stressful visits. We did of course become very attached and fell deeply in love with our grandchilden and who loved and enjoyed us wholeheartedly too . They were 4 and 7 when we saw them last and we hoped they retained some memories of the short yearly good times visits here. We recently found out they have apparently NO memories of times with us and we are complete strangers to them and they have no interest in us period. Were they poisoned perhaps but certainly manipulated. This is child abuse and elder abuse!
I think in our estrangement situation there was some spousal poisoning and some counsellor damage and distance in miles and the makeup of the community the parents chose also an influence along with the "me - ism " internet trends of course. So this do get thick!
However the heartbreak is the same for all of us I think tho some try to put a crusty front on it! But I do wonder if we make ourselves ill by ruminating too much on our loss. We are very elderly now( 80 an 78) and in failing health so out of time and we wonder is there any consciousness of that yet in our broken family. I feel the grandchildren for whom we are strangers and who have lost the entire half of their family history, genetic connections, and our family love and support and knowledge, are the biggest losers in estrangement.
However I wonder do we need to keep this in some additional perspective also in the reality that when people emmigrated to other countries they too lost family completely most of the time. Never mind the complete devastation and murders , deaths caused by wars / psychos etc often created by people who never have to suffered the consequences of their horrible attitudes, actions and decisions.
Maybe we need to be grateful our children and grands are alive and hopefully well and treasure the good memories of our family what ever it was. I dunno!