When the Cycle Repeats

There's something painful—almost indescribable—about watching history repeat itself… especially when it's your own. As alienated parents, most of us have lived through a storm that we never saw coming. It was one where we were erased, demonized, shut out, and even silenced. But as bad as all of that has been, nothing quite prepares you for the moment when your now grown child starts doing the same thing to their child. Your grandchild.

When this unfolds, grief isn't ordinary—it crosses generations and leaves a lasting scar on everyone it touches.

Because now you're grieving two losses: the relationship you once had and lost with your child, and the bond you were never allowed to build with your grandchild.

Unfortunately, this is the ugly truth about parental alienation that seldom ever gets mentioned: it's when it bounces and becomes generational. When a child grows up in a household where alienation was accepted—where one parent was constantly portrayed as being bad, or dangerous, or absent, or whatever—they start to see this type of behavior as just… normal. In their minds, these examples become their baseline for what is acceptable. For what "protecting your child" looks like from a distorted viewpoint.

And while it may be true that not all alienated children will grow up to become alienators themselves, some of them do. Some of our kids may actually carry the poison forward—often without even realizing it. When this happens, they, unfortunately, will alienate their child from the other parent, or in some cases, from the grandparents. And from anyone who reminds them of the past—one in which they were taught to hate. And just like that, in the blink of an eye, the cycle continues. While the abuse may change form, the harm is always the same: broken families, fractured identities, kids who are caught in the crossfire of hate and revenge.

When this happens, it's hard not to feel like everything you've endured for so long was for nothing. You think about how you fought for your child. You prayed for a type of healing to take place. You held on to hope for years. And yet, here you are, watching your grandchild walk down that same painful path you once witnessed your own child walk—only this time, it's your child who is doing the erasing.

It's a question that weighs heavily on each of us: Who bears the true responsibility for this cycle of pain?

Is it fair to place the blame solely on the adult child who, by now, should know better? After all, they've had the necessary time to learn, and to reflect on what was done to them, to see the world outside the bubble they were raised in. But what if the indoctrination was just too strong? What if the manipulation was so deeply woven into who they are that they can't even start to see the whole truth, not even now?

When I ask myself this question, I find no easy answers. It's a complex issue, with each case presenting its own unique challenges. Some adult children may be open to the truth, while others may remain ensnared in the web of deceit. The depth of the alienation, its duration, even the personality of the child, and the influence of the alienator—all these factors come into play. There's no black and white when it comes to this type of abuse.

But what we do know is clear: when an alienated child becomes an alienating parent, the consequences of their actions don't just ripple—they explode. Entire family lines are shattered. Whole branches of a child's identity are cut off. And for the grandparent, it's doubly the loss—you lose your child, and then you lose your child's child.

That's the kind of grief you don't ever seem to get over. During these times, you just learn to carry it quietly.

I wish I had the answers, but truthfully, I don't. Just like many of you, I too have the same ache. However, if there's one thing I do know, this cycle needs to end and be discussed. People need to acknowledge that this really does happen and understand what it is. Because the only way we can ever hope to break this cycle is by naming it and exposing it for what it really is: it's not protection, it's not parenting, and it certainly is not love—but instead, it's generational, preventable, and devastating. We need to keep the conversation going, no matter how painful it may be.

And if we're ever going to change the future for the children that we've loved and lost—and the grandchildren we've never gotten the chance to meet—we have to keep speaking up.

Even when it hurts. Especially when it hurts.

David Shubert

Thank you for subscribing to this newsletter and for taking the time to read my reflections. This space is for all of us to heal, to share, and to come together. Remember, we’re not alone in this. So, let’s keep moving forward, one step at a time.