I understand how difficult this is for you, Henry. Many of us have experienced the pain of this abuse as well. All too often wonder if our children or grandchildren ever think about us, if we still hold any significance in their lives, or if they even have the opportunity to receive the cards and gifts we send them. It’s an unpleasant an stressful feeling that no one should ever have to endure, yet we have no choice but to continue expressing our love in any way we can. I hope you can deliver your next gifts directly into the hands of your grandchildren soon.
I'm trying so hard to keep that door open, even when my mind says, stop remembering, stop holding on, it's too painful. I said to myself, outloud in my kitchen, "I don't want to be an old woman who doesn't remember their child".
I'm looking for that balance between continuing to love, remain open hearted, not judge "everyone" with young children as being possible alientators and acceptance. I'm practicing being with what is.
I have been discarded but that doesn't mean I am worthless.
Thank you for sharing your voice and saying what so many of us are feeling.
Thanks, Jessica! what you said is so true. Especially that line—“I don’t want to be an old woman who doesn’t remember their child.” I’ve never heard it put quite that way, but it says a lot, and I get it.
Trying to keep that door open, even when everything inside you is screaming to close it in the effort to just to stop the pain takes the type of strength that most people will never understand. But the fact that you’re still showing up, and still trying to stay open-hearted really matters.
And you’re absolutely right. Being discarded doesn’t make you worthless. It just means someone failed to see your value. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone.
The child my wasband intended to alienate is now communicating with me and though it’s glorious after years of silence, it’s difficult to navigate because we learn to parent as our children grow. Because there was such a long gap in our relationship, sometimes I find myself parenting a 14 year old instead of the 25 year old that she is, but I’m learning.
My wasband somehow managed to alienate our son, the older one, while our daughter was in the 3rd of 5 hospitals after barely surviving a fatal car crash. He was 22 years old at the time.
He’s now 31 and married a woman in Iceland who divorced our son while pregnant with his baby. He’s been unable to see his baby boy.
See, you are right. Alienation affects the entire family and some alienated children end up experiencing alienation from their own children. It’s generational. I’ve read that it lasts for 5 generations.
But though he hasn’t spoken to me for 9 years (except to hold a gun at me telling me to get away or he’ll shoot me), I still love him and will be available should he ever need me.
My to-do list today says I should pick out a birthday card for my only grandson. The one I haven't seen in eleven years. As always, I will take a photo of it to store with the other photos of card and gifts, in case his parents throw it away without letting him see it. Sometimes they just send it back unopened. Deciding whether to include a gift card, or cash, or not, will have me spinning through every anticipated rejection. Then I will mail it and spend a week or two dreading the mailman every day, because he might bring it back to me. The heartbreak and despair will last a week or two, before I can pull myself back together.
In July, I will go through it all over again, when my to-do list tells me to send a birthday card to his sister, my only granddaughter. Those kids loved me. No one ever denied that. We spent a lot of happy time together. What did my son tell them to cover my sudden disappearance? That he hurt me this way is one thing, but how could he do this to them?
You have written my daily anguish so perfectly and I am so sorry for your pain and loss and you’re not alone. I don’t know how this’ll ever end up for any of us but you speak my exact situation, words and feelings and I’m with you in spirit all the way from Australia, take care.
I’m so sorry that my words seem to reflect your current situation. I wish my words could instead be about something more magical, like blue skies, sunshine, and unicorns, because those things bring us so much joy and happiness.
I understand how difficult this is for you, Henry. Many of us have experienced the pain of this abuse as well. All too often wonder if our children or grandchildren ever think about us, if we still hold any significance in their lives, or if they even have the opportunity to receive the cards and gifts we send them. It’s an unpleasant an stressful feeling that no one should ever have to endure, yet we have no choice but to continue expressing our love in any way we can. I hope you can deliver your next gifts directly into the hands of your grandchildren soon.
My goodness, this is beautiful 😍
I'm trying so hard to keep that door open, even when my mind says, stop remembering, stop holding on, it's too painful. I said to myself, outloud in my kitchen, "I don't want to be an old woman who doesn't remember their child".
I'm looking for that balance between continuing to love, remain open hearted, not judge "everyone" with young children as being possible alientators and acceptance. I'm practicing being with what is.
I have been discarded but that doesn't mean I am worthless.
Thank you for sharing your voice and saying what so many of us are feeling.
Thanks, Jessica! what you said is so true. Especially that line—“I don’t want to be an old woman who doesn’t remember their child.” I’ve never heard it put quite that way, but it says a lot, and I get it.
Trying to keep that door open, even when everything inside you is screaming to close it in the effort to just to stop the pain takes the type of strength that most people will never understand. But the fact that you’re still showing up, and still trying to stay open-hearted really matters.
And you’re absolutely right. Being discarded doesn’t make you worthless. It just means someone failed to see your value. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone.
~David
So good, and brought tears to my eyes. Thank you.
I hope they were tears of joy and not, sadness. After all, each of have shed too many of those ones.
Beautifully written, David.
The child my wasband intended to alienate is now communicating with me and though it’s glorious after years of silence, it’s difficult to navigate because we learn to parent as our children grow. Because there was such a long gap in our relationship, sometimes I find myself parenting a 14 year old instead of the 25 year old that she is, but I’m learning.
My wasband somehow managed to alienate our son, the older one, while our daughter was in the 3rd of 5 hospitals after barely surviving a fatal car crash. He was 22 years old at the time.
He’s now 31 and married a woman in Iceland who divorced our son while pregnant with his baby. He’s been unable to see his baby boy.
See, you are right. Alienation affects the entire family and some alienated children end up experiencing alienation from their own children. It’s generational. I’ve read that it lasts for 5 generations.
But though he hasn’t spoken to me for 9 years (except to hold a gun at me telling me to get away or he’ll shoot me), I still love him and will be available should he ever need me.
My to-do list today says I should pick out a birthday card for my only grandson. The one I haven't seen in eleven years. As always, I will take a photo of it to store with the other photos of card and gifts, in case his parents throw it away without letting him see it. Sometimes they just send it back unopened. Deciding whether to include a gift card, or cash, or not, will have me spinning through every anticipated rejection. Then I will mail it and spend a week or two dreading the mailman every day, because he might bring it back to me. The heartbreak and despair will last a week or two, before I can pull myself back together.
In July, I will go through it all over again, when my to-do list tells me to send a birthday card to his sister, my only granddaughter. Those kids loved me. No one ever denied that. We spent a lot of happy time together. What did my son tell them to cover my sudden disappearance? That he hurt me this way is one thing, but how could he do this to them?
You have written my daily anguish so perfectly and I am so sorry for your pain and loss and you’re not alone. I don’t know how this’ll ever end up for any of us but you speak my exact situation, words and feelings and I’m with you in spirit all the way from Australia, take care.
I’m so sorry that my words seem to reflect your current situation. I wish my words could instead be about something more magical, like blue skies, sunshine, and unicorns, because those things bring us so much joy and happiness.
Yes the pain is always there. Always.
https://x.com/i/communities/1872069500088078487
Join my Estrangement Epidemic group on X. I will share your article there.